January 17, 2010

• I just don’t know where else to go with this.  Again, I apologize.  Please turn back if you don’t want to continue reading my self-pity.  I am about to explode, and I need to get it out.  I know of at least one person who’s interested, anyway.

  So, I’ve been applying for jobs the past week or two, and trying to come up with ways to make *something* I do at home profitable.  It’s depressing.  I’m off the hook being a lunchlady with my mom (phew!) because some toolbox brought a 9mm to school last week.  They are supposed to work on some sort of emergency plan in the cafeteria, and she doesn’t want anything horrible to happen to me because of the kids.  Weird, but I don’t have to work a job I don’t really want for pay that’s well below what I’m worth because there’s nothing else available. 

  I applied for two IT positions at a local school district.  I don’t necessarily want the job, but at least I will be utilizing the skills I’ve gained in the past thirteen years, rather than just flipping burgers.  Sure, I’ll get days off with the kids, but I imagine I’d have to work summers.  Of course, I’m pretty sure I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell – I haven’t had a job outside the home since mid-2001, and there are *plenty* of qualified people out there.  Unless they decide I’ll be cheaper to hire, I doubt I’m even in the running.  But I tried, and honestly, as much as I don’t want the job, it felt kind of good to apply for it, even though the fucking application process probably was far more complicated than the job would be!

  I’ve also looked into some merchandising jobs.  Nothing huge, but maybe there’s something with flexible hours and decent pay.  Plus, I’ve applied for a home job that a good friend of mine has been doing for a while.  Good pay, and you get to work from home.  She says it’s boring, but it’s over $10/hr, and I can do it here.  Big plus.  If I can get that, and I only work 20 hours a week, most of our financial problems would be taken care of.  If I get it, I will do my best to work as many hours as possible to help even more.  Plus, a homeschool website needs a new web developer; I submitted my resume and Craig’s, as a team, because they only want someone who can work about 5 hours a week, but in a long term relationship.  I’ve also been really pushing our new remote tech support option – we’re planning to get a monthly subscription with a large company who provides this service, and hope to offer it to our clients for $20/month – they would get virus scans and definition updates, spyware updates and scans, OS updates and scans, and probably browser updates, all handled remotely.  Anything above and beyond would cost extra, but a discount could be applied if you’re current on your monthly subscription.  Craig used the service last week when doing some support of his parents’ CAD computer, and it cut support time in half, if not more.  Brilliant!  There’s a need for this kind of thing, we just haven’t had many hits yet. 

  Craig is on his final of 5 weekends working in a row.  I still hate his schedule.  I am so fucking tired of being stuck at home – with all the snow we’ve gotten, we’ve still got a huge snowdrift behind our other car, and he takes our main car to work.  That leaves me and the kids stuck at home unless my parents come over to get us.  SUCKS.  Not that we have any $$ to go do much of anything.  Woo, I get to go to the store, my parents’ house, school to pick up the kids…hey wow, that’s about it.  I’ve reached my limit. 

  I spend a whole lot of time crying, when nobody’s around watching.  I’m exhausted; the kids come wake me up for five gazillion things throughout the night. (MOM come re-tuck me!  Mom!  I need a drink!  Mom! I had a bad dream! MOM MOM MOM!)  They’re also early risers.  And because Craig is currently on the overnight shift, I have to get up with them so he can sleep peacefully.  Then, he gets up, half the day is gone, I have to start working on dinner, and poof he’s gone.  I’m not sure I know how single moms do it!  I guess if you have to do it, you make it work, but really. 

  Because of his schedule, if a friend calls me and says “Hey, I know you need a night out, let’s go see a movie / grab some dinner / go look at new shoes / shave a yak” I have to take a pass.  I know it’s not Craig’s fault, and I always feel so guilty for being angry and / or upset about his schedule, but I can’t help myself.  I have turned into someone I hate, and I don’t know what to do to change it.

  I really wish that maybe once in a while, Craig’s parents would call and check up on us.  See if we need anything – money for gas, milk, something.  Or maybe my mom would call and quit making me feel like I’m the worst mother ever.  I know they’re sacrificing a whole lot to keep our kids in their schools – it’s killing me that they’re doing that!  But my choice is to take them both out.  Brandon probably wouldn’t last five seconds in the public school here; and if Melena were home every day, then my chances of getting errands / chores / job hunting done would be gone, and I’d be even more crazy than now. 

  It doesn’t help that I’ve always had sleep issues.  I’ve struggled with insomnia for as long as I can remember.  In grade school and high school, I would read until I couldn’t stay awake any longer.  In college, I would fiddle on my computer.  Now, I do a combination.  My problem is that my brain goes and goes and goes and goes…and I can’t get it to stop.  Hell, the only way I can even focus long enough to fill out job applications, or work on my website, or even write this post is to have a few beers.  So, stress + not enough rest = Shelly feeling awful-er than normal.  I snap at the kids with little provocation, and it makes me feel guilty, worthless, and like a horrible mother.  Yeah, I know I’ve got some self-worth issues that I need to work out.  It doesn’t make any of this any easier.

  I want some quiet time.  I want to be able to go to the bathroom without *anyone* in my family coming in to check on me, including Craig.  I want to be able to eat meals *with* my family, not after I’ve cleaned up after them and sent them on their way.  I want my family to be nice to each other for just one second, and quit arguing.  I want them to eat what I make.  I want to be able to put myself first, for once. I don’t want to have to pretend everything’s all right with me when it’s not.   I want one night of undisturbed sleep. I want to quit having to worry so much about finances, and my mental health.  I want to not be a fat housewife, and instead, be a hot stripper – at least I’d have some money to go buy cool shoes or get my hair cut!  I don’t want my friends to feel sorry for me and pay for shit for me, because, while your intentions are great, it makes me feel even worse.  I don’t want your pity, I just want your friendship.  You can bring me chocolate cake or something, maybe beer, but for crying out loud, guys, stop with the “feeling sorry” shit.  Be my friend, that’s all I really truly want. 

  Okay, well, maybe another beer.    

  • 11:07 pm
  • 5 Comments