January 23, 2012

• What’s going on….?

  I fell into the holiday blues more than usual this year, but, the truth is, it wasn’t a short drop. The
  journey into it took some time.

  When stress gets to be too much for me, I remove the things from my life that I can control. For
  instance, the year Craig and I got married, my father went into the hospital and came close to losing
  his life, my mom was in and out of the hospital, Craig’s dad had gone into the hospital, I was planning
  a wedding, working lots of hours, and my boss was a bitch who just didn’t like me. I couldn’t control
  the health of our family members, and there was no way I was going to cancel our wedding, so…I quit my
  job. It helped immensely, and though I missed all my friends from work, and I really missed my job, I
  really didn’t miss all the stress involved with working for the people I worked for. I paid off my car,
  quit my job, and realized it was one of the best decisions I’d ever made.

  Now, though, I find that I’m removing myself from friendships, and limiting my contact with most people.
  There are so many things I’m worried about; rather than say something I’ll regret to someone I care
  about, it’s easier to become a near-recluse.

  After my grandpa died in the summer, many past hurts came reeling to the forefront at warp speed. Now,
  my grandma is living with my parents – which isn’t so bad, but promises aren’t being kept, not enough
  outside assistance is being willingly given – and my own mom’s health has taken a beating because of it.
  I’m very concerned for her and for her well-being, but the only thing I can really do is be there to
  assist when they need it. There’s so much frustration, though, for me, as I watch my parents care for a
  grandparent who wasn’t really available when our family needed it, and the hurt comes back. More than
  once I’ve wanted to ask her why she didn’t like my brother or I; what was wrong with us that made her
  never want to show affection or caring or any sort of emotion toward us? But I realize that won’t help
  anything, and really, do I want to know the answer? It’s done, and nothing can make up for that. There
  are just so many things I want to say about this….but…my thoughts are a jumbled mess, and I can’t
  make sense of them.

  And then there’s always finances. Always. Sure, Craig got a new job, and the pay is a little bit
  better, but every time we think we’re making ground, my gall bladder needs to come out, or the car needs
  a new transmission, or fuel pump, or the puppy we lovingly adopted got sick within a few days of joining
  the family. You know, the usual. The only reason the kids got Christmas gifts this year is because
  Craig got some unexpected money, so we used that. It wasn’t huge, but we tried. Hell, we forgot to let
  the kids get something for each other until after we’d used that budgeted money, so we took them to a
  thrift store. I’m not ashamed of that, by any means – the kids got some really thoughtful gifts for
  each other, and it was a fun day – but still. And then there’s the time I didn’t realize Craig had left
  a cup of water on the table, and it got knocked over. All over his laptop. And it sat in the pool of
  water, running, for several hours. It still works, but it’s acting weird, and I feel guilty because we
  can’t get a new one. We owe too much money to Brandon’s school, and Melena’s preschool. Fuck, I feel
  guilty going out for cheap pizza. Or buying a Corona knock-off at Aldi. Or taking the kids to a full-
  price movie. I’ve got a long list of things I want, but honestly, they’re not a priority. Haven’t had
  a new bra in at least 4 years, but it’s okay, I’ll manage. I could use new undergarments and jeans, as
  well, maybe a shirt or two – but I don’t go anywhere important, so I can’t justify it.

  But worst of all is what I’m going through with Brandon. He’s incredibly smart, and very sensitive.
  Also, a little lazy with his school work. Combine all of those, and I’ve got a child who’s recently
  told me that he never feels like anything he does is good enough. Which breaks me apart, totally tears
  into my psyche. I try so hard not to be that parent. I know what it’s like, never feeling good enough.
  After this revelation, I feel even less “good enough”, because I love him and his sister so much and I
  want the very best for them but I also don’t want to be too hard on them.

  So I’ve gotten very involved with my family. After only half-way having Craig around for the last two
  years, getting used to him being home evenings and weekends has been almost as hard as getting used to
  his overnight schedule. And it’s so nice having him *home*, even if he still irritates me a lot. We
  all know I irritate him even more, so it all balances out. And I’ve gotten involved in scouts, by
  taking a leadership role with the pack. It’s nice. Brandon enjoys scouts, Melena is an honorary
  member, and they’re doing well with it.

  I am still trying to process all of this, and make it through the other side without another breakdown
  like I had last weekend. Friends, it’s really nothing personal. I don’t have the energy to be a good,
  attentive friend right now, and I apologize. 

  • 11:21 pm
  • 2 Comments