It has been a long, tough time for my family, and just when things are taking a turn for the better...

My mother apparently has a tumor in her abdomen.  The word "cancer" has been tossed around.  I don't know anything more than that she was going in for more tests today, and that she had to drink large amounts of barium last night as we were leaving her house.

In recent years, many of my friends have lost parents, and hopefully, I've been able to help them through the grieving process; but then again, maybe not.  I have seen what it does to people, and I don't want to go through it.  Not now.  

The look of terror in my mother's eyes yesterday as she finally told me nearly rent my heart in two.  She had recently attended a funeral for a friend who'd succumbed to brain cancer, and the reason that the friend didn't have a church service is because she was angry.

Angry at god, for taking her away from her precious grandchildren.  Angry with everyone.  

While my mother and I don't always see eye to eye, (what children do?), we talk almost every day.  The days we don't talk, I worry about her.  I know she hasn't felt well for two years, and I worry.  It's my job.

When I was a brand-new mom, with tiny little Brandon, Craig worked two jobs so that we could have extra money.  He was also scared of being a dad, and working made him feel like he was doing something important for his growing family.  My mom knew I didn't like being left alone, so she would come get Brandon and I, and sometimes our dog, and let us stay with she and my dad until Craig could come over after working.  She and Brandon created a very special bond, then, as she rocked him to sleep while she watched Dr. Phil (and fell asleep herself).  She and Brandon are so very, very close and I don't want anything to happen to her for his sake.  Am I strong enough for myself and my family?  I have my doubts.

Melena was a very fussy, difficult baby to deal with.  While I was dealing with that, my mom was trying to come to terms with the fact that my dad may have been cheating on her.  We're not sure if he ever physically did anything with anyone else, though we know he was getting photos emailed to him, and he was corresponding with many women through chat and email, and we know that he was professing his love.  It was a very rough time for my mother, and she always blames herself when my dad was like this.  Mind you, he has cheated on her before, at least once when I was Brandon's age.  My father has broken my mother down so much that she thought she was at fault for his indiscretions.  She thought she could change his ways by treating him like a king.  She has commented on more than one occaision that she felt she lost out on so much with her new baby granddaughter.  At the time, I was so angry with my father because I was essentially alone and helpless in a very difficult part of my life, but I made it through.  I'm so sad for my mother because she did miss out on the first year of Melena's life, but Melena adores her nonetheless.

When Craig worked at Sprint, he would go to a week-long conference once a year; it just happened to be right after school started.  My mom would let us come stay at her house for the week so that I wouldn't have to be alone that whole time (I get jumpy after dark - it was worse when the kids were so little).  She liked knowing we were safe with her.

When my mom found out that Craig and I weren't going to be able to provide any gifts for anyone at all this Christmas, she made sure our kids had gifts to unwrap.  She also made sure we had a few, ourselves.  My mom isn't rich, doesn't have a well-paying job.  She doesn't even have a high school diploma.  But she made sure my kids didn't suffer because of our shitty financial problems.

We live in an awful school district, and are surrounded by even worse school districts.  The kids go to a Catholic school, and are doing well.  We can't afford it.  My parents have paid for most of this year's tuition so that they don't have to go through the heartache of being pulled out since we can't pay for it.  I've been through that, it happened to me at that same school when I was younger.  It was heartbreaking.  

I am angry at the doctors.  My mother can only afford an HMO plan.  Yes, she has health insurance.  But the doctors so far don't often take her seriously.  She's uneducated, ofen uneloquent, so why would they believe her?  Who knows how long she has suffered from this - too long, though - when someone could have helped?  Sooner?  Maybe?  

I am angry at the doctors.  We are not data on charts, or forms, or hastily scribbled notes on a prescription pad.  We breathe, we live, we hurt, we bleed, just the same as they do. Do they forget that?  Do they forget about the Hippocratic Oath, "To keep the good of the patient as the highest priority"?  When my mother has been passed from doctor to doctor, with pains and ailments gone mostly untreated, why?  Yes, she should be her own best advocate, but when a physician doesn't want to listen, then what?  

For several years, while Craig worked at H&R Block, he worked very closely with the founder of the Bloch Cancer Foundation and his assistant.  She is still there, and will assist us, though I hope we have no reason to call her. 

It has been a mostly good week, maybe because Craig had a few days off and is starting his 2-week rotation onto the day shift tomorrow.  I've had a few days to work on stuff myself, without kids around, and have ONE! FULL! DAY! of being in the house by myself until I pick the kids up from school.  Whoa.

So, last week? Maybe?  I got the idea that it would be great if we could provide remote support to people - we had the means to do it, and if we signed up enough people, it would pay for the service.  If we signed up a few more, we could make some money.

That was last week.

We are now making extra money.  It's not much, but we've actually got our monthly fees covered, and are bringing in extra.  WITH MY IDEA.  ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND I spent about 5 hours the other night working on a friend's computer remotely, and while I didn't completely fix it, it felt GOOOOOD after 8 years of not doing it to be working on a computer.  *NOTE: said friend had a virus; I found it, ran the scans to remove most of it, and Craig did the final removal while I was still sleeping, after he got home from work.  Mostly joint effort, but I was the one who stayed up until 2:30 am working on it. 

I miss computer support.  Really, truly miss it.  I like providing it on my own terms, though, and not working for a corporation that has standards and policies and stupid shit like that.  Some of it makes a little sense, but really?  Not really.  I like knowing that I'm helping people *I know*.  That they're truly grateful for my help!  And that I'm not over-charging them!

See, I'm offering antivirus / spyware update and scan, operating system critical updates, and web browser updates - remotely.  You don't have to be at your computer, and I can do it from home.  Once a month, I'll do all this for my customers, for $20.  And they get a discount on other service calls.  Since the start of Christmas break and yesterday, we've taken 5 computers in for virus removal.  Craig has handled it all.  Every computer is still running, there were no operating system reloads, nothing horrible happened to the machine in the end.  They're working!  Even two that we *for sure* thought were dead. 

And because of all these virus-addlepated computers, I thought we could help prevent it.  And people want this service!  And I'm ecstatic that this is my idea because I didn't think I had any left in my noggin!

Soooo.  Maybe I'll be extra-productive tomorrow.  Things feel good.  I will hopefully be selling some of my photo/cards through a friend's website.  I may have found a job that I can do from home legitimately that will pay more than my last job did as a software asst. supervisor!  Perhaps the light at the end of a tunnel *isn't* a train after all?

Also, if you want more information, you can join our fan page.  You can pass it on to your friends.  And even if you don't subscribe, if you refer a friend and they subscribe, we'll give you 1 free hour of support OR one free month of maintenance.  

http://www.facebook.com/business/dashboard/?ref=sb#/pages/Kansas-City-MO/Darker-Violet-Designs/48986898878

So. 

I just don't know where else to go with this.  Again, I apologize.  Please turn back if you don't want to continue reading my self-pity.  I am about to explode, and I need to get it out.  I know of at least one person who's interested, anyway.

So, I've been applying for jobs the past week or two, and trying to come up with ways to make *something* I do at home profitable.  It's depressing.  I'm off the hook being a lunchlady with my mom (phew!) because some toolbox brought a 9mm to school last week.  They are supposed to work on some sort of emergency plan in the cafeteria, and she doesn't want anything horrible to happen to me because of the kids.  Weird, but I don't have to work a job I don't really want for pay that's well below what I'm worth because there's nothing else available. 

I applied for two IT positions at a local school district.  I don't necessarily want the job, but at least I will be utilizing the skills I've gained in the past thirteen years, rather than just flipping burgers.  Sure, I'll get days off with the kids, but I imagine I'd have to work summers.  Of course, I'm pretty sure I don't have a snowball's chance in hell - I haven't had a job outside the home since mid-2001, and there are *plenty* of qualified people out there.  Unless they decide I'll be cheaper to hire, I doubt I'm even in the running.  But I tried, and honestly, as much as I don't want the job, it felt kind of good to apply for it, even though the fucking application process probably was far more complicated than the job would be!

I've also looked into some merchandising jobs.  Nothing huge, but maybe there's something with flexible hours and decent pay.  Plus, I've applied for a home job that a good friend of mine has been doing for a while.  Good pay, and you get to work from home.  She says it's boring, but it's over $10/hr, and I can do it here.  Big plus.  If I can get that, and I only work 20 hours a week, most of our financial problems would be taken care of.  If I get it, I will do my best to work as many hours as possible to help even more.  Plus, a homeschool website needs a new web developer; I submitted my resume and Craig's, as a team, because they only want someone who can work about 5 hours a week, but in a long term relationship.  I've also been really pushing our new remote tech support option - we're planning to get a monthly subscription with a large company who provides this service, and hope to offer it to our clients for $20/month - they would get virus scans and definition updates, spyware updates and scans, OS updates and scans, and probably browser updates, all handled remotely.  Anything above and beyond would cost extra, but a discount could be applied if you're current on your monthly subscription.  Craig used the service last week when doing some support of his parents' CAD computer, and it cut support time in half, if not more.  Brilliant!  There's a need for this kind of thing, we just haven't had many hits yet. 

Craig is on his final of 5 weekends working in a row.  I still hate his schedule.  I am so fucking tired of being stuck at home - with all the snow we've gotten, we've still got a huge snowdrift behind our other car, and he takes our main car to work.  That leaves me and the kids stuck at home unless my parents come over to get us.  SUCKS.  Not that we have any $$ to go do much of anything.  Woo, I get to go to the store, my parents' house, school to pick up the kids...hey wow, that's about it.  I've reached my limit. 

I spend a whole lot of time crying, when nobody's around watching.  I'm exhausted; the kids come wake me up for five gazillion things throughout the night. (MOM come re-tuck me!  Mom!  I need a drink!  Mom! I had a bad dream! MOM MOM MOM!)  They're also early risers.  And because Craig is currently on the overnight shift, I have to get up with them so he can sleep peacefully.  Then, he gets up, half the day is gone, I have to start working on dinner, and poof he's gone.  I'm not sure I know how single moms do it!  I guess if you have to do it, you make it work, but really. 

Because of his schedule, if a friend calls me and says "Hey, I know you need a night out, let's go see a movie / grab some dinner / go look at new shoes / shave a yak" I have to take a pass.  I know it's not Craig's fault, and I always feel so guilty for being angry and / or upset about his schedule, but I can't help myself.  I have turned into someone I hate, and I don't know what to do to change it.

I really wish that maybe once in a while, Craig's parents would call and check up on us.  See if we need anything - money for gas, milk, something.  Or maybe my mom would call and quit making me feel like I'm the worst mother ever.  I know they're sacrificing a whole lot to keep our kids in their schools - it's killing me that they're doing that!  But my choice is to take them both out.  Brandon probably wouldn't last five seconds in the public school here; and if Melena were home every day, then my chances of getting errands / chores / job hunting done would be gone, and I'd be even more crazy than now. 

It doesn't help that I've always had sleep issues.  I've struggled with insomnia for as long as I can remember.  In grade school and high school, I would read until I couldn't stay awake any longer.  In college, I would fiddle on my computer.  Now, I do a combination.  My problem is that my brain goes and goes and goes and goes...and I can't get it to stop.  Hell, the only way I can even focus long enough to fill out job applications, or work on my website, or even write this post is to have a few beers.  So, stress + not enough rest = Shelly feeling awful-er than normal.  I snap at the kids with little provocation, and it makes me feel guilty, worthless, and like a horrible mother.  Yeah, I know I've got some self-worth issues that I need to work out.  It doesn't make any of this any easier.

I want some quiet time.  I want to be able to go to the bathroom without *anyone* in my family coming in to check on me, including Craig.  I want to be able to eat meals *with* my family, not after I've cleaned up after them and sent them on their way.  I want my family to be nice to each other for just one second, and quit arguing.  I want them to eat what I make.  I want to be able to put myself first, for once. I don't want to have to pretend everything's all right with me when it's not.   I want one night of undisturbed sleep. I want to quit having to worry so much about finances, and my mental health.  I want to not be a fat housewife, and instead, be a hot stripper - at least I'd have some money to go buy cool shoes or get my hair cut!  I don't want my friends to feel sorry for me and pay for shit for me, because, while your intentions are great, it makes me feel even worse.  I don't want your pity, I just want your friendship.  You can bring me chocolate cake or something, maybe beer, but for crying out loud, guys, stop with the "feeling sorry" shit.  Be my friend, that's all I really truly want. 

Okay, well, maybe another beer.    

As many of you may know, Craig and I have owned a web / graphic design and IT solutions company, Darker Violet Designs, for over ten years, providing technology solutions for the home and small business. Recently, we've had many machines come in that have needed work in removing viruses, spyware, and other malicious software. For various reasons, there have been times when it would have been more convenient if we had a way to remotely connect to a computer, rather than making arrangements to get the machine to us. We have been searching for a way to provide remote assistance to those who need it, and we have finally found a solution.

Here is what we want to offer you: for $20 a month, we will connect into your machine remotely once a month to update your anti-virus software and spyware removal tools, run a system scan, and verify that your operating system is currently up-to-date. Other support and assistance options would be available from us at an additional cost. Because we are purchasing a support tool package for this, all fees would need to be paid in a timely manner. We hope that our services would be of use to you or someone you know, so please, we'd love it if you could pass our information on. Thanks!