January 29, 2008

• When a body rebels

  When your computer acts up, you can often replace bits
  and pieces to fix the problem.  When it
  becomes obsolete, you upgrade.  Same with
  your car.  You fix what’s broken, and
  when it’s no longer cost-effective to fix the broken bits, you just get a
  different one. 

  Not so with your body. 
  

  As I’ve mentioned before, I have PCOS.  I was diagnosed in the late 80s or early 90s
  - I don't even remember when, as I was seeing the doctor so often to figure out
  what was wrong with me.  My body has
  never worked quite right.  I suffer from
  hypothyroidism.  I take medication for
  it, or I'm constantly tired.  But I
  forget to take it early in the mornings, sometimes, because I'm taking Reglan
  for breasts that refuse to produce enough milk for my baby, and taking Reglan
  makes me tired.  Of course, being a mom
  is tiring work, too.  I can't take my
  hypothyroid medicine on a full stomach, so if I take it when I wake up in the
  morning, I have to wait an hour before I can eat anything.  I'm insulin resistant, which is just one step
  closer to diabetes, so I should eat frequent little meals.  But I consistently skip breakfast, and have
  an inadequate lunch.  I can't take my
  medication for insulin resistance unless I've eaten, because it makes me feel
  lousy, but I forget to take it more often than I do lately.  All of these factors combined with other
  issues make me a dreary, dull, tired, boring, anxious person.

  My body is failing me. 
  Today is one of the few days that I don't feel exhausted beyond belief,
  where I think I may manage to keep my head up for a few hours before I lose my
  mind.  It probably helps that it's
  preschool day, meaning that I have to stay home with the baby, who likes to
  sleep in for a few hours longer than her big brother.  But I feel like I'm unraveling!

  I hardly leave the house, because the kids have such
  different schedules.  By the time meals
  and naps and my shower are done in the morning, it's time to start the routine
  for the afternoon.  The baby isn't one to
  have her routine fouled up often, so I avoid it when necessary.  Couple that with the fact that my growing
  anxiety problem makes me not want to go anywhere far from home alone, and it
  makes for a mess I'd rather not deal with. 
  Now, it's not that I don't like going anywhere alone, it's that I don't
  like going far from home alone.

  I had my first party in a long time over the
  weekend.  It was about 30 minutes away,
  in the evening, and I had to take the highway to get there.  I made myself a nervous wreck, so much so
  that it's just not worth it to me to do it again!  I don't like driving at night, especially on
  the highways.  Lights sometimes play
  tricks on me, and I don't feel safe.  I
  was traveling to an area I was somewhat familiar with, but not familiar enough
  to feel comfortable.  I made it there,
  through the party, and was on my way home when I got pulled over.

  I had a headlight out. 
  And then I couldn't find my insurance card.  AND our tags were expired.  I was a nervous wreck - I called the VERY OBVIOUSLY
  male officer "ma'am".  I think
  that's why I got off with only a warning for no insurance and for the
  headlight, but I got a ticket for the tags. 
  He was an amazingly nice officer, probably because I was so very visibly
  nervous, yet polite.  There was luck in
  that.  Of course, I got stopped less than
  a mile from my hostess' house, so I had the whole trip to be nervous and
  shaken.  At 11 PM.  And it was cold.  And I wanted to go home and see my family.

  I don't want to leave the house, but I'm tired of being
  cooped up in the house.  I don't like
  being in loud places.  I'm feeling
  trapped in my own crazy body!

  I know I went through this with Bran, but I stayed with
  my parents a lot because Craig worked a lot of nights - so I wasn't all alone
  so much, and I got to talk to people and sometimes go shopping and do
  stuff.  It was just rough to get through,
  and those days seemed to drag on forever when it was happening.  Plus, my mom would keep Bran a whole lot, so
  Craig and I got some alone time.  Nobody
  really wants to keep the baby, and I can't say I blame them.  I mean, I know her routine, and what to do,
  but for someone who isn't around her much, she's hard to get to sleep, hard to
  soothe when she gets in a mood, and is up ALL NIGHT if you don't do everything just
  right.  She's like that for us, but we've
  had every day to get used to her silliness and work it out.  Not so much for anyone else.  Of course, because nobody wants to keep her,
  nobody has had a chance to figure her out. 
  Of course, they have Bran over a lot, but that still leaves us with the
  baby.  Our sex life has plummeted, our
  getting-along-together life is joining it, and I know we're both going crazy,
  except that Craig gets the daily enjoyment of adult company while at work.  Even though he doesn't think it counts, it
  does.
  

  I miss feeling like "me".  I don't even know who that is.  I don't want to be tired.  I want my boobs to work to feed my baby.  I want to have regular periods again.  I want to smile and mean it, instead of feeling fake just for the sake of my kids.  I want to stop unraveling, but I don't even know how to knit! 

  At the monthly Avon meeting last night, a fellow rep chided me for being so negative about myself.  You know, I hadn't really stopped to listen to what I've been saying about myself lately, but none of it is very nice.  I don't know why that is - probably because I just don't feel like a good wife / mother / friend / sister. 

  You know, my sister in law may be pregnant, and I can't even get excited about it?  Is it jealousy?  I think part of it is, because my mom is telling me all her plans to help watch the baby so she can continue to work.  I would love to have a job, because we could use the money, but don't think we can afford quality childcare, and don't want to rely on my parents.  So I keep that to myself.  So maybe it is jealousy on my part.  But I still don't trust her, can't warm up to her, and suspect she's up to no good, and while I'm happy that my brother may be a daddy, I just cannot get excited about it.  So then I start feeling guilty and horrible because I have these thoughts about my own family...and and and...it's a self-perpetuating black hole that I'm getting sucked into.  Where does it end?  Hopefully, it ends at a pizza shop or ice cream parlor, or I'll be really pissed off.
  

  • 1:31 pm
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