As of this month, I have been a "romance consultant" for four years.  I have enjoyed being a representative for the company, and have enjoyed educating people about the beauty of a fulfilling sex life.  I've also enjoyed the discount, if I may add!

However, it seems the passion has gone.  To be fair, I never really liked the idea of home parties.  Yes, I was good at it, and yes, I had lots of fun, but schlepping around town with a table and two large cases of items late in the night never really sounded like something I wanted to do.  Because of the nature of these parties, they're typically held in the evenings on the weekends.  When I first started doing parties, I booked them like mad, sometimes doing two parties every weekend for a month.  Good times, but I also missed spending time with the boys on weekends.  I can't say I made much money, as I typically re-invested everything back into running my business.  I placed ads, mailed flyers, had a (far too expensive) booth at a very large expo, was often doing a party at a local pub. 

Since I got pregnant with Melena in 2006, though, I've been kind of taking it easy.  My first trimester saw me feeling like hot-boiled dog food most of the time, and, because of fear of another miscarriage, I took it very easy and did few parties.  I booked more up until the month before she was born, and then took some more time off, and, to be honest, have really never gotten back into the swing of things.

I don't enjoy driving at night, and I never have.  Even with glasses, the light plays funny tricks on my eyes.  On top of that, I get really anxious on the highway.  Add to that the fact that I'm coming home alone between 11 PM and 1 AM after these parties, and maybe you can see why I get so nervous.  I've also been involved in a hit-and-run coming home from a party one night, and last winter, got stopped because a headlight was out and managed to get a ticket because our tags were expired. 

I also haven't updated my demonstration kit in a long time.  I've had a few online orders here and there, and I could have easily used the money to purchase a new item here and there.  There was a time when keeping up-to-date was a huge priority for me; I always knew that I sold more when I had more to show.  But now that Brandon is in private school, and now that the future is uncertain for Craig at Sprint (as an aside, the next round of layoffs is Friday, March 13th, and we don't know how that will play out for him), I just cannot justify spending any amount of money on new toys, edibles, bath products, lubes...not on anything!  Sure, if I got out and did some parties, I could bring in a little extra money, I understand that.  But to make the kind of money I used to, I have to either make a large up-front investment; many of the things I routinely show have been discontinued, or I have to book lots of parties here and there so that I can buy a few things at a time.

I wore myself out when I was booking parties left and right.  I had little time to even enjoy the spoils, and I only had one child under two at that time.  Now I've got Hurricane Melena and a 5 1/2 year old going on 14.  By the time I get my mom-ly things done in the evenings, I have no brain power left to think right.  Last night, for instance, I was so braindead that, when trying to explain to Craig that I still needed to run the dishwasher, I found myself waving my hands and saying "I have to do something with that one box-thing that does stuff to the dishes".  Crap.

Ideally, I would love to continue doing these parties on a limited basis, and close to home.  The plan I'm making is to find a willing business owner who can let me utilize space once every 4-6 weeks so that I could host a seminar.  I am looking for something close to home, because I feel better driving at night when I don't have to go far.  I have to get people interested in driving out to hear what I have to say, and I have to come up with topics and choose products that I can bundle together that are interesting, affordable, and fun to use.  I also have to have a plan in place quickly because my consultant renewal comes up soon, and I have to decide if it's worthwhile to remain a consultant or just take a break.  I've just got so much time and money invested in this that I'm having a hard time letting go.  Craig, I love him lots, has kept reminding me that he'll stand behind me whatever I decide.  Good, but not enough feedback. 

Urk.  I've been playing around with this decision for months.  It bothers me. 

I've been carrying around a camera most of the time since I got my first 110 in 1986, maybe?  I usually photograph friends and family, though sometimes I'll try to capture an image that strikes me as interesting to play with it later.  It's only recently that I've started to consider attempting to become proficient, even if it's only for pretend.  Because really, I have no idea what I'm doing! 

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...and I've relinquished my mommy duties for the evening.  I've told the family to just think of me as some stranger sitting in the living room taking up space and looking dumb, but other than that, just leave me alone!

It all centers around the never-ending battle of dinner, and I am still at my wits' end.  I'd finally resigned myself to the fact that Brandon is at an age that he prefers child-friendly menus and I have been working hard to provide him with meals that are tasty and provide a modicum of nutrition.  It's not working.

Home-made pizza?  Nope, not as good as ordering out from anywhere!  Lasagna?  Forget it.  From-scratch macaroni and cheese!?  Surely you jest!  Hand-breaded and baked chicken tenders?  Not in this lifetime!  And forget about any vegetables other than mashed potatoes.  Okay, sometimes he'll eat peas or corn, but that is about it.  Give him boxed macaroni, frozen chicken tenders, carryout pizza....any of that any day.  Meal times leave me stressed out from the hours of prep, cooking, and clean-up time that I don't even enjoy eating the food I make.  Getting him to help me prepare meals to understand the time and effort that goes into feeding the family is of little to no help, and neither is making him fend for himself.  The worst is when he tells me "oh, this smells awful" and I know that it absolutely does not.  I know my way around the kitchen, and while I'm no gourmet chef, I can certainly hold my own. 

I have been sick with a sinus infection for a week, and the family has been relying on leftovers and / or whatever Craig could come up with as I've rested; tonight was the first night in a week that I made a real meal that didn't just involve warming something up.  I tried a new macaroni and cheese recipe (and it turned out great this time, as opposed to only mediocre last time!), I also sauteed some garlic, onions, and mushrooms for Craig and I to add to the mac (for more grown-up tastes); so I spent a lot of time slicing, dicing, and cutting through tin cans prior to making the pasta and the cheese sauce.  I cut the fresh fruit!  I even added the extra treat of HOT DOGS to the menu just because hey, we haven't eaten them in a long time.  I got the boys to make a box of pudding!  We were going to have a special treat of eating dinner in the living room while we watched a movie! (Treasure Planet!)

The movie never made it past the opening credits, and then the kids were sent upstairs for bath time and bedtime immediately following.  I am in a grumpy, icky mood, and I don't think I care about cooking dinner any other night this week. 

I have been coloring my hair since I turned 18 - first, it was purple, then bright pink, magenta, red, blue, green, yellow...I also went through a black phase for a while.  When I was no longer in college and had a "grown up" job, I used to color it "Egyptian Plum" - a kind of purplish red that would pass for a normal color while at work.

Within the past few years, I've been getting blonde highlights that I've been coloring purple again.  Actually, it's deep plum, but still!  Since I stay at home, there's nobody around to tell me to stop!  My hair is a naturally dark brown color, and I love it, but I feel odd if my hair is a normal color.    

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I'm actually working on a few posts of a more substantial nature, but I'm writing them locally so that I don't lose them when I errantly click or tap or whatever it is I seem to do that sends everything into the Great Pit of Interweb Despair.  One is about Valentine's day and our views, but I'm carefully editing it so that I don't come across as too cynical or snobby - just a little cynical and snobby.    I am also attempting to locate all the postcards we've gotten for the kids in the course of the last year, and I will hopefully scan them.  It would be even nicer if I managed to purchase a power cable for our new printer, but I keep forgetting.  Then I could install a printer near my laptop and not have to keep running up and down the stairs!  I'm also considering writing on the topic of Facebook friends, and why are people requesting my friendship now when they used to be so mean to me in high school?  Haven't we all experienced that, though?  (And the main reason I'm telling you what I want to post about?  Because I have a serious case of teh dumbz and I want to make sure I remember!)

So today I leave you with a fluff piece that I nabbed off my Facebook profile.  I don't believe any of my Xanga readers are my Facebook friends (and it's a shame, really!), so this won't be a repeat, unless, of course, you're stalking me.  In that case, please speak up. 

Here you go, the dreaded "25 things"....though I may decide to give my dear Xanga friends a little extra fluff. 

1. When I took an IQ test at the age of 9, I was four points shy of genius.  I'm pretty sure my IQ is now in the teens. 

2. Someday I will learn to play electric guitar, start a band, and tour Europe.

3. I don’t feel normal if my hair isn’t purple.

4. The only reason my children have semi-normal names is because *they* have to live with them, not me.

5. I am a huge fan of Beavis and Butthead. When I didn’t have MTV in college, my brother would record Moron-a-thons for me. I still have all those tapes, and watch them at least once a year. Huh huh huh.

6. I love beer – microbrews, specifically. My current favorite is Leinenkugel’s Sunset Wheat, with Blue Moon being a close second. Shock Top isn’t bad, either.

7. I feel very frustrated because I suspect that many people underestimate my intelligence because I’m staying at home to raise my children, rather than having a career. I’ve never liked it when people assume I’m stupid, but it makes me angry when people assume that I’m stupid and can’t hold a job and that’s why I stay at home. I stay at home because it’s the best decision for our family. Oh, that, and the fact that I’m fairly unemployable after all these years out of the work force. That filter most people have that keeps them from saying what they really mean? My filter is, for the most part, gone. So yeah, I’d likely tell someone to fuck off before I realized the mistake I was making.

8. I enjoy poop and fart jokes. Could be why I like Beavis and Butthead and Ren & Stimpy?

9. I am a trivia junkie. I don’t mean just playing trivia games – I mean that I also enjoy accumulating mindless bits and pieces of information about large numbers of subjects. Except maybe sports.

10. I became a soccer referee when I was in 9th grade – maybe 8th? I don’t remember. I started coaching when I was 15. My team came in first place and second place, respectively. I want to coach my son’s team, but he doesn’t think it’s something a girl can do. HE’S FIVE for crying out loud!

11. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t failed college, though it was my own damned fault, but then I remember what a wonderfully goofy family I have, and that I wouldn’t have that if I hadn’t failed. Also, I would be a teacher, and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be happy in that profession right now.

12. I miss writing prose, poetry, short stories, essays….I used to write daily, and it kind of fell by the wayside as adulthood took over.

13. I used to run camera, sound, and video for the second smallest ABC affiliate in the country (at least it was when I worked there). That was probably one of the best jobs I ever had….well….

14. Motherhood is actually probably one of the best jobs I’ve ever had, but also the most frustrating, the most tedious, the most brain-draining, the least appreciated, the most tiresome, the most monotonous…and the most rewarding. Especially when you’ve taught your youngest daughter to fart on command. It doesn’t get any better than that!

15. I have a plan to become Queen of the Universe some day, and it all depends on ice cream. Frozen treats for the lactose-intolerant.

16. Some day, I will go to both culinary school and pastry school, just because. And maybe another (different) some day, I will open a confectioner’s shop. And we’ll also have ice cream.

17. I enjoy computer and video games of all sorts. I currently play a lot of “casual gamer” games, but only because I know I’ll get sucked into them, and I have to at least *pretend* to be a responsible adult. I did like Spore, and Craig thinks I’d like World of Warcraft, but I’m holding out for Diablo III. Good thing we don’t have a machine decent enough to run it. *phew*

18. My favorite types of cuisine are Japanese (sushi!), Greek, and Indian. I have made Greek-themed meals, and Indian-themed meals, but not Japanese. Also, the spicier, the better.

19. I also forgot to mention my love of pizza and hot wings. Oh, yeah, beer’s good with both of those, too.

20. I don’t look as interesting as I actually am. I planned it that way on purpose, just so you’d leave me alone. Yes, I’m talking to *you*.

21. I collect Disney Villains. Surprised?

22. I also collect cookbooks. I especially love regional cookbooks and cookbooks from different eras. I have one from the early 1900s (reprint) that’s just insane to read!

23. I am a pyromaniac. For a housewarming gift, my in-laws gave us a chimenea, so I could burn things in a contained space. For Christmas, they gave us a gas grill. Craig is not only not allowed to start the fires, he’s also not allowed to cook on said fires. Fire is *my domain*, and I will fight for it.

24. I have taken over 10,000 photos of my children since 2003.

25. Despite my hard exterior, I have a gooey, nougat-filled interior that’s enrobed in a decadent dark chocolate and sprinkled with hazelnuts. All with a delightful cookie crunch!

26. BONUS: I'm a pretty big Star Wars fan. I wanted to have a Star Wars themed wedding, but the minister wouldn't allow it in her chapel. We were introduced to our guests at the reception to "The Imperial March" instead, though I really wanted to be Padme Amidala.

27.  I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was in my early teens.  I hate all the health issues it causes, but I hate the hirsutism the very most.  While I'm fortunate that it doesn't bother Craig, it bothers *me*.  I don't think I will ever feel like a real woman until I can get rid of the unwanted hair permanently.  Unfortunately, it's not high on our list of priorities, so I make do.  This one is hard to write, as it is the single thing that embarrasses me.  I can live with being fat, because that's mostly my own damned fault, and I can change that pretty easily, as I can with almost any other health concern that PCOS brings.  This is one thing that takes a substantial investment of time and / or money to change, and it is the one thing that people have always used to cause me the most grief.  It's not like I woke up one morning in 7th grade and said to myself "Hey, self, let's grow a beard, that would be awesome". 

28.  I've been recently thinking that I don't really want us to be bazillionaires.  I'm not sure I even want to be rich!  I think I enjoy being a hillbilly, really.

This postcard arrived in the mail yesterday, for the kids.  The look on Brandon's face was absolutely priceless - he really enjoys getting mail, but the last letter he mailed out has gone unanswered for unknown reasons.  Melena was napping at the time, but as I told the sender, Old Hat, she would either kiss the cows (and call them dogs) or lick the postcard.  I still haven't tested that theory.

Here's the back.  Brandon is apparently an art critic.  His notes will appear below.

He suggested that Old Hat was a bad writer because of the squiggly green lines.  I explained that the squiggly green lines were grass, and that seemed to satisfy him, but only a little.  Hat, thank you for the postcards for the kids, we really enjoyed the artwork!  Brandon cannot believe you live on a farm with horses and a barn.  I think it's because the horses appear to have a barn for a body?    Typical 5-year-old cynicism.  We also wondered - is that an apple tree, a cherry tree, or an apple-cherry tree?  Plus, BLUEBERRIES!?  I'm moving.

We have actually been getting postcards sent to us from around the world since Melena's first birthday.  We're putting them in an album for the children as we get them.  They provide wonderful opportunities to learn about new states, countries, cultures, and people.  Prior to this postcard's arrival, our newest additions were from India.  One of the postcards depicted a highly-edited scene from the Kama Sutra.  I promised I would scan them, and I will, just not today.  Breakfast is hitting the table!

But if you'd like to contribute, we would certainly appreciate it.  We also hope to use this project as a way for Brandon to practice his writing and drawing skills, and will return the favor if you'd like.  Melena just likes to scribble.  So if you'd like to send a postcard to the children, that would be wonderful.  If you'd like a letter or postcard in return, I think we can help.  It just may take a little time.  For safety reasons, I'm posting our PO Box address publically; if you'd like to send something to our house, let me know. 

Brandon and Melena
PO Box 11659
Kansas City MO 64138

Thank you!

Today is a staff development day at school.  Rather than have the television on, we have a playlist on random playing through the stereo.  One of the songs was Poe's "Trigger Happy Jack".  The chorus goes "Can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being".

Brandon loves to sing, and has been humming along to all his favorite songs.  The next thing I hear is "It's time to recycle like a normal human being".

You've gotta love it.

I am a die-hard KC Royals fan.  I don't care if they win or lose, some of my best childhood memories are from going to games with my brother and parents.  I also went to school with the daughter of one of the players (who now is a staff member) and cherish the autographed photo he sent in with his daughter as her birthday treats.  I have several sets of baseball cards of the older teams, and many cards of my favorite players.  I love the Royals so much that when we were house hunting and we found one in the neighborhood of the stadium, I convinced my husband it was the one for us.  Now we get to watch the fireworks from our front yard. 

Yeah, I love baseball. 
   

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Way back when I was a bit more misanthropic than now, I used to wear all black on Valentine's day, as a way to mourn how commercialized the holiday had become - it seemed even more hyped than Christmas!  I'm not quite that extreme, but I will say that Valentine's day is just not my favorite holiday.  It's all pink and frilly and ................!

The way I figure it, why spend a fortune on flowers and candy one day of the year?  Do something nice for your loved ones every day!  In my case, the "doing something nice" part involves not trading the whole lot of them in for a bowl of goldfish and running off to join the circus. 

So Craig, if you're reading this, please, no flowers this week.  Or next, for that matter.  Just buy me a pool boy and be done with it, mmmmmmmmmmkay? 
   

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You mean there's an escape route!?  WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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