when you have a family member that just does not want to be a part of anything?

We’ve got a family member who just will not come to anything we invite him to.  Okay, so he’s Craig’s brother.  Brandon is old enough to ask why he doesn’t come to any parties – he didn’t come to Melena’s first birthday, and we don’t expect him to show up in a few weeks for her second or for Bran’s graduation.  I understand that some people just aren’t up for those sorts of things, but my problem is that we know he frequently attends functions for the children of his “cousin”.  (I use the term loosely because they’re cousins by marriage – and that marriage ended in divorce long before I arrived thirteen years ago!). 

Craig asked him yesterday about his attendance, in front of their parents and grandparents.  Craig was nice about it, just letting him know that I’m trying to make a food budget and get a handle on guest attendance, and he got very defensive.  (the brother, that is.)  He responded by saying that he never knows what he’s going to do when he wakes up, much less in three weeks, and if we want to consider that he’ll be there, fine, if not, fine…and he kept carrying on.  Craig’s mom just said that that’s how he was, and his grandma assured Craig that he’d be there.  I just said (as angry as I was!) that I would just not count him in the final guest count, and if he was there and I didn’t have enough for him, too bad for him.  That kind of pissed him off, but fuck.

Everyone thinks that I should quit inviting him, but that means that if he decides to bitch in the future that he wasn’t included in the kids’ lives, he has a point.  I think I should invite him to EVERY LITTLE THING and irritate the piss out of him.  If he wants to get angry, that’s fine, but I can never be accused of trying to keep our children from him.  They don’t see him often but talk about him a lot, and they do love him.  It just breaks my heart for them to go through this – I went through this with my dad’s parents, and I really have no relationship with them.  I don’t want that for my kids!

In other news, that job we thought Craig was going to definately get?  He didn’t.  Severance runs out, we found out we actually *do not* qualify for unemployment, so we’re kind of financially in the pisser right now.  Urk.  You know someone who needs an IT guy?  www.craigclemons.com.  Sex toys?  www.kcpassion.com.

Also, I’ll bake cookies for you if you find a job for Craig. 

AND NO, NOT THOSE KIND.

Whew, it’s been a busy few weeks – and it’s getting busier!  Brandon graduates from Kindergarten NEXT FREAKIN’ FRIDAY.  Fercryinoutloud, how did that happen?  So we’re gearing up for that, and then…just three days later, Melena turns two!  Crap.  CRAPCRAPCRAP.  We’re having a combined party for them in early June, so we only have to clean house once. 

Currently, we’re dubbing DVDs for the school talent show and passing them off to parents for $8.  It was an interesting job, I’ll say that.  High school kids were running the sound booth – where Craig was also running the camera – and couldn’t keep quiet.  We’ll see how that goes.  We’re just far too lazy to go through the entire 2+ hour show! 

I went inactive from Passion Parties for a while, without realizing it, mostly.  I was $40 short on my retail sales, so we got that straightened out.  I’m working on boosting online sales to maintain my status, (so go to www.kcpassion.com to buy some sex toys – mention Xanga and I’ll give you a free gift!), but have yet to see the fruits of my labor.  Of course, I just started posting and writing a few nights ago, sooo….

But I’ve decided that I’ll start blogging about some of the things I talk about at parties.  I haven’t decided if I’ll use Blogger or WordPress, though I’m leaning toward WP because it appears to suit me better. 

I don’t think I’ll have any problem coming up with topics, but I have to ask:  if you were reading a sex and relationship blog, what would you want to read about?  I’m also toying with bringing in a guest blogger or two, though I don’t have any traffic at this point to entice someone with.  Maybe I can strong-arm a friend?  Or make Craig write something?  At any rate, I have to come up with something. 

On the job front:  still no job for Craig, HOWEVER, the one place he’d interviewed at three times looks *very* promising.  The VP of HR called him last week and told him that they hadn’t made a choice yet, but they were *very* interested in him.  They have just come to the point where it might behoove the company to hire on two new people as opposed to one, and it would be more cost-effective to train them both at once.  He also said he understood if Craig still continued with his job search, but if another company made him an offer, he asked that Craig contact him so that they could discuss it.  He still has severance coming, so it’s not like we’re living on Ramen Noodles and acorns from the front yard; we were just hoping for something to happen sooner.  I suppose everything happens in its own time, right?

So that’s where we stand.  Please forgive me if I sound disjointed today; I haven’t had any caffeine in a few days and have had my usual bit of it today – which is still not much by any means – a cup of coffee and 12 oz Dr Pepper!? – and I’m jittery and cold.  Of course, *this* is the reason I try to avoid caffeine, anyway!

I get so irritated when someone says to me “Question:”.

And then proceeds to ask me a question. 

I WOULD NOTICE IT’S A QUESTION BY THE INFLECTION AT THE END OF THE SENTENCE, you know.

Just saying.

Also, my best friend’s husband is finally home from Baghdad.  I grabbed his butt.  I also flipped his older brother the bird.  I regret that it may have been an inappropriate venue, but I most certainly do NOT regret my actions.  Heh heh heh. 

The end.  Time for bed.

We’re now a connected society.  We have access to people and information like never before.  However, in my early days of internetting (is that a word yet?  If not, I call dibs!), my offline friends couldn’t understand having online friends. 

I discovered the internet in the Fall of 1992, when I was a freshman at Northeast Missouri State University (now Truman University).  Personal computers were slowly gaining in popularity, and I’d saved all my money to buy my own to take to college.  $1500 for a CPU with a 486 processor running an OS called GeoWorks Windows (my, how I wish I could find that OS again, it was wonderful!) with a 40 MEG hard drive (don’t ask about the memory, I can’t remember the specs!), a monitor, probably 13 inch, and a dot matrix printer.  I purchased an after-market modem before I went to school and installed it myself not knowing anything at all at the time about the inner workings of a computer.  But off I went, with my shiny new computer (and truly very little idea how to run it!), off to college.

Prior to going away to school, though, I played around on Prodigy.  My modem came bundled with a free month or two, and I used it to navigate chat rooms and BBS.  I played a few online games, but mostly I became accustomed to being online.  I remember that my profile had the tagline “Life’s short, wear heels”, in an effort to poke fun at my stature.  I also honestly admitted my gender and possibly age; remember, nobody I knew fiddled around online, and it was a fairly new world, so there was no thought of keeping my information safe.  I did get many MANY messages from men looking for flirtations and perhaps other things; I just thought they were strange and weird and ignored them. 

Once at school, I holed up in my dorm room for three months.  I was shy and far from home, with no friends and no family.  I didn’t know what to do with myself at that point, so I spent a lot of time playing solitaire on my computer.  I also discovered that our school network had a rudimentary chat program.  Honestly, it was an accidental discovery; I had no idea how to use the chat program nor did I even know it existed; however, because my school login had my name, other online users could see me and send me messages.  Of course, the messages came from boys looking for some fun!  Some things never change, I guess!  I did chat with a few here and there, and one of them introduced me to the wonders of TELNET.  It changed the course of my history!

I went away to school with the idea that I was going to major in elementary education with a minor in theater.  I’d dreamt of being a teacher since I was in Kindergarten.  The only possible deviation from this plan would’ve been also getting a history and literature degree.  My first few semesters were pretty uneventful, with me pulling in good grades, studying hard, and socializing a little bit.  I also started playing around online a little more.  The friend who introduced me to the joys of telnet also showed me how to connect to MUDs, or Muli-User Dungeons; a text-based precursor to MMORPGs like World of Warcraft.  It was the same basic principle – create a character, choose a guild or profession, run around and kill NPCs (non-player characters), do quests, explore, and make friends.  Initially, the RPG portion is what drew me in; however, making friends and socializing took over.  In high school, I felt like I never really fit in well with anyone.  I was never invited to a dance, didn’t go to prom, never dated…I had friends, yes, but I wasn’t a social butterfly.  I was shy (and often still am), but meeting people online seemed to be so much less intimidating than meeting people in real life.  I made some very good friends in college, but I was still a nerd.  Still no dating, very few parties – seriously, the only parties my friends and I got invited to were the ones held by the nerd fraternity.  Very often we were some of the only girls, and the guys sat around playing quarters and being dorks.  Online, however, I had amassed a large group of friends from all over the world.  These people saw me as outgoing, witty, intelligent, and interesting.  It wasn’t that I was attempting to be someone I wasn’t, but that I was trying to finally be who I was.  My online friends saw my personality first, which was a beautiful thought for someone like me.  My offline friends, those who weren’t fiddling around online, didn’t understand the draw of “those games”.  To them, they were just games, but to people like me, it was so much more.  I was fortunate in that I met some other fellow MUDders on campus, too, because we really had a language and culture that was different for the time.  Most of those friends I’ve lost touch with, the ones from school.  Most, but not all.  Some of my online/offline friends travelled to meet other online friends; I even hosted a few online friends myself.  At the time, many people still thought it weird that my friends and I were meeting people we’d known for ages but never really physically met – it was such a strange concept! 

When I came home for summer breaks and after finally failing out of school, I found myself with no internet access.  AOL was gaining in popularity, but in order to use the free trials, you had to have a credit card.  I didn’t have one.  I couldn’t get into the school system from home, because of the long-distance fees.  I had no friends at home, and was bored and lonely.  Thank goodness I’d gotten my brother hooked on MUDs.  Between he and I, we found an anonymous account locally that we could use to connect.  Oh, how I fondly remember browsing web pages using Lynx!  I remember being jealous of friends who were cool enough to have PPP or SLIP connections!  Oh my god how I sound like a geek!  But it was brilliant and insane and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t change it for the world.  Because if I hadn’t played MUDs, I wouldn’t have failed college, and wouldn’t have had to move back home, where I had to take classes at the community college.  I wouldn’t have played in the Mac lab while my brother took a class, and we wouldn’t have added our favorite telnet links to the computers.  Craig wouldn’t have tried out those MUDs, and I wouldn’t have met him online and found out he was local.  We wouldn’t have teased him at school, and he wouldn’t have told me to fuck off.  We wouldn’t have married and had our little ones, and I probably would be a miserable teacher.  See? 

Seventeen years have passed since I first got online, and much has changed.  Computers are everywhere; you can access the internet from your phone, your gaming console, your television!  It’s not uncommon to have friends online you’ve never met; in fact, it’s not unusual at all to meet someone online, fall in love, and then get married!  When my friends were doing that, people thought they were nutty.  (Okay, so maybe they are, because I tend to run around with nutty people as a general rule.)  But it’s not so uncommon now.  The most interesting thing is that, because of the popularity of networking sites, I’ve reconnected with a number of my old online friends.  I’ve also made new online friends that I’d love to meet someday! 

So, tell me your thoughts about online versus offline friends.  I’d love to hear your stories and comments!

Craig is still looking for a job.  It’s scarier than we thought, but we’re waiting to hear back from a company he interviewed with three times.  He and one other person are the likely candidates.  The downside is that he will work evenings and weekends.  The *other* downside is that my children are about to drive me totally off a mental cliff, AND school will be out in exactly one month.  Seriously, I’m joining the witless protection program.

So, if you know anyone in the greater Kansas City metro area who needs an IT genius, visit www.craigclemons.com.  He’s also available to set up small business and home networks, plus he can create blog templates, web design and application development, and so on and so forth.  Please, hire my husband! 

In other news, we went to a volunteer appreciation dinner at my son’s school.  Also, my former school and parish.  Let me mention this:  it is very bizarre to walk in and find that other honorees brought their own beer and wine.  HA!  Catholics!  But there was a point where we were asked to introduce ourselves to people we didn’t know…and Brandon, bless him, attempted to meet EVERY PERSON HE DID NOT KNOW.  And tell them his birthday, his age, his entire life story.  I was so thrilled to see how comfortable he was there, and how well he conversed with everyone.  He’s taken to being shy around new people, but he feels so safe at his school that nobody is a stranger!  Most people I remembered from my time served, and many of them remembered me!  My family got to meet my first grade teacher!  Our old neighborhood pharmacist!  And much, much more!  And the food was good, catered by a family that lives up the street from my parents.  I remember when I used to help him make Thanksgiving dinners for shut-ins before he started his catering business.  It’s a good place, his school.

I will leave it at that – but I will also mention that there’s at least one of you I’ve been trying to track down on Facebook – I know you’re there!  (I spend a little too much time there, because HAY LOOK AT THE APPS!).  Find me here:  http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=502585534&ref=profile.

Also, do you Twitter?  I’m really trying to increase my network for Craig’s sake.  I use darkerviolet (pesonal), dvdesigns (for Darker Violet Designs), kcpassion (for when I get back into adult novelties), and kcfreecycle (yeah, kcfreecycle).

Going to catch up now!

I just posted about this Nine Inch Nails/Jane’s Addiction tour for 250 credits. You can earn free credits too!

I wrote this for the KC Freecycle chat group, but thought it was pertinent to post here, as well.  Because I can.

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Hi! We all know that times are rough, especially if you’re currently looking for new employment. I would love to share some tips with you; these are all things we’ve found to work well for us, as Craig has just recently been impacted at Sprint. Bear in mind I’m no expert, I just play one on TV. (Also, I stayed in a Holiday Inn Express in November.) Also, bear in mind that Craig is in the IT industry; your mileage with these tips may vary depending on your area of expertise.

1. Be AGGRESSIVE in your job hunt. I’ve heard many people say that they’ve posted their resume on monster.com or careerbuilder.com or any other specialized job search website, and that’s it. While that’s a great option, it’s not the *only* option. There are jobs available, but sometimes you have to pursue them yourself, not wait for them to appear.

2. Network, network, network! You never know who you know! Don’t be afraid to contact all your friends, families, acquaintances, next door neighbors, and dear aunt Stinky. When hunting for a job, most people we know have been *more* than happy to pass on our information to someone they know, or give us contact info for someone we need to talk to. I firmly believe that a word-of-mouth recommendation is far better than a cold interview. Granted, that’s not always the case, but would you rather hire a potential employee based on their qualifications alone, or on their qualifications and a stellar recommendation from someone you trust?

3. Update your resume. Have someone you trust go over it. Update it again. Find someone who can assist you. Remember that a resume is a first impression and that you need to sell yourself and your skills. USE SPELLCHECK. Use correct grammar. Stick to the (truthful) facts. Organize your resume in a clean, easy-to-read format. It doesn’t have to be just one page long; Craig was shown a resume to use as a template and it was nine pages long! However, it went over the candidate’s job history, skills, and qualifications in great detail. Show yourself off! Now is not the time to be modest. Make sure to include any relevant training, certifications, awards, and recognition. If you have proof of those things, make sure you have them handy should you need to provide it at any point in the interview.

4. When going to an interview, take some time to make yourself presentable. If you’re applying for a job in a casual atmosphere, dress the part, but don’t look sloppy. Remember, first impressions are important. Wrinkle- and stain-free clothing are a must.

5. Have a good attitude. A positive attitude on your part will set the tone for the interview. Don’t talk poorly about your last place of employment / boss / co-workers. If things didn’t end well, that’s fine, but you are not required to discuss why you are no longer employed. Spin everything in a positive light!

6. Use your hobbies and interests to your advantage. While looking for employment, consider using your hobbies and interests to generate extra income. Do you like to knit? Perhaps you can sell some of your knitting, or teach others how to knit. Are you good at repairing cars? Remember that people are making their current vehicles last longer by making repairs to them rather than purchasing a newer vehicle. Your services would be in high demand, if you can provide quality work at an affordable price. Find what you’re good at, and let it work for you. You never know, it could lead to something more lucrative!

7. Always have a copy of your resume with you, and be prepared to talk about yourself. When you run to the store, or to church, or to pick up the kids, you may run into someone who has information that is helpful to you. By having your resume available, you can act on that information. If you have business cards, bring those, too. Also, get contact information when needed, so you can follow up.

I hope this helps someone. I know there are many more things that could be said, but I’m fresh out of tips at the moment. To anyone impacted by job loss, good luck!

Craig was let go from Sprint this morning.  I’m glad the waiting is over, but ….his last day at work is the day after my birthday.  (As an aside:  can you believe they’re laying everyone off today but want them to work two more weeks!?) 

If you have an IT contacts in the Greater Kansas City metro area, could you please put them in touch with me or Craig?  He has some paid leave, but I’d rather he have a new job sooner rather than later.  Insurance and all!

For more information, please contact me.  I don’t want to post his resume yet without his consent.  Also, maybe you could recommend this post?  We’ll take all the help we can get.  Please and thank you.

EDIT:  Resume Link: http://www.darkerviolet.com/resume

Shelly

I’ve been hearing the phrase “get a life” frequently, and I’ve got to tell you, it’s probably the very worst come-back ever.

To recap, I’m a co-mod for a Freecycle group with over 12,000 members.  I typically handle the most problematic members as needed.  Because our group is so large, we try to make sure everyone follows all the rules and guidelines to keep the list running smoothly.  Many local groups are more relaxed, but that just doesn’t work for us; it makes more work for the volunteer moderators, to be sure!  Also, keep in mind that most of these members are adults, and they agreed to abide by our rules and guidelines when they joined.

When members don’t follow the guidelines, they’re sent an email that tells them the repercussions: a reminder, a warning, a strike, moderation, removal from group, or being banned from the group entirely.  A majority of the members either don’t reply or send a brief apology, which is great.  There are the few, though, that feel the need to respond in a combative, argumentative way.  Many of those members refer to me or the other moderators as Communists and Nazis; they tell us we must enjoy playing God, that we’re clueless and are idiots, among other things, but by far, my favorite retort is to “get a life!”.

I assure you that I have a life.  It may be boring, yes, but it is a life, nevertheless.  I am currently breathing, blinking, sniffling, and possibly passing gas.  I ate breakfast, played with the baby, and cleaned up.  I plan to take a shower shortly.  I have also used the toilet and brushed my teeth.  I’ve read the news and gotten caught up on a few emails.  Most of these things point to me being a living, breathing, sentient human being, so telling me to get a life is quite redundant, unless, of course, you’re offering one on Freecycle (and may I remind you that it’s strictly against our rules to offer yourself or your family members?)

When someone, *anyone* utters to me (or near me, or posts it online where I can read it, or emails it to me…) the phrase “get a life”, I immediately assume that their mental capacities are such that they’re completely unable to formulate an intelligent come-back that would be more appropriate.  I also assume that the words “nazi” and “communist” are a regular part of the phrase-utterer’s vocabulary (quite possibly because this is true in many cases). 

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good put-down as much as anyone, but really, if you want to question my intelligence or judgement, or say something about my mother / brother / aunt / neighbor, be creative.  “Get a life” is really non-threatening.  There are days when I’d choose someone else’s life over mine for just a few minutes, because, quite honestly, mine is tedious, boring, and boring.  Did I say boring?  But it’s not like I can head jauntily to Wal*Mart and pick up a brand-spanking-new life fresh off the truck, no, I cannot.  (I’ve checked!)  So really, what are you trying to accomplish when you tell me to get a life? 

Or are you speaking of the delightfully crunchy and delicately sweet cereal?  Because if you are, I have plenty of it, thankyouverymuch.  It’s my favorite!

I think I’ve made a breakthrough when in comes to mealtimes.  Thank goodness!

On Saturday, it snowed.  It was the most prolific snow of the winter, with several inches falling.  Since it was so cold, I decided to make some comfort food for dinner, and made some delicious macaroni and cheese.  It was great, and it was even better when Craig and I added the sauteed mushrooms, garlic, and onions into ours.  We settled in for dinner to watch our movie.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, Brandon didn’t like the meal.  I was frustrated, I cried, I got angry.  I sent the family upstairs and asked them to just leave me alone while I composed myself.

And then I grounded Brandon the next day.  No, he didn’t get to go play out in the snow.  No television, no computers, no movies, no video games…just playing with his sister and helping us get our Sunday chores done, or doing his homework.  He didn’t like that very much, and it was the first time ever that he’d had a real grounding.  He didn’t like it.  He was apologetic, helpful, and he even gave the macaroni a second taste, and it turns out that he liked it more than he thought.  He also gave the pork loin a try, and ate more than normal.  Mostly because he thought it was chicken.

My mom and I talk almost every day, and she has been keeping the kids for us while we finish up our Tai Chi lessons.  I knew that news of the grounding would come sooner or later, so I pre-emptively let her know so she could hear it from me.  I also knew I would get a lecture.

Last night, as we were picking the kids up after class, my mom and I were talking while they watched a little more of a movie.  She said I shouldn’t be too hard on him, because “remember, when you were little and didn’t like my tacos or steak, I would make you something different!”  I looked her square in the eye and said “well, you should’ve let me go hungry!”  (For the record, she never seasoned the taco meat!  It was just ground beef!  No salt!  No pepper!  NO NOTHING!  I wouldn’t eat it that way even now!  And as for steak?  It was always over-done and tough.)

So that got me to thinking about why mealtimes are so hard for me, and it’s probably in part because my mom *did* make something to accomodate everyone.  When Brandon was younger, I used to think being a short-order cook was a virtue; now, feeding a family of four, I find it draining, especially considering that cooking is a true passion of mine.  (See my waistline!)  

I love my mother, and, overall, she did a good job raising my brother and I.  However, there are some things that happened that I’m working my way through, and often am only now realizing the effects those things had on me.
My mom and dad got married when they were very young, and, as of this coming August, will have been married for 40 years.  I wish I could say it has been a happy marriage, but I can’t.  Poor communication and lack of respect has done a lot to tarnish anything they may have had, if they ever had anything other than a shared need to get out of their own dysfunctional home lives. 

I have learned that my mom believes that someone satisfying their own needs above anyone else’s is an act of selfishness.  I think it’s partly because my dad really was (and still is) very selfish; my mom was never allowed to have anything that might make her happy, be it a girls’ night out, a conversation on the phone, a frivolous gift.  Never allowed may be a strong statement, but I can’t find a better way to word it now.  It’s not that my dad forbade those things, it’s just that he made attaining those things very difficult. Needless to say, I believe part of the reason I feel so guilty for wanting to ever take a break from being a wife and mom is because I’ve never seen it done – any time my mom even took time to make a phone call she was made to feel bad, she wasn’t allowed to have friends over or visit with them…you get the picture.  I never understood that it was okay to want happiness for yourself; I only knew that creating happiness for others was good, wanting happiness for yourself wasn’t as good.  

I didn’t realize how deeply ingrained these things were until last night, and I had my ‘aha’ moment, where many things that have happened in my life finally make sense.  I take full responsibility for each and every choice I’ve ever made in my life, but I also understand that those choices were made based on all my experiences prior to making that decision.  I also understand that, while perhaps their intentions were good, and their hearts were probably in the right places….well, I think I’ll leave it at that.  

But I’m just now starting to realize that yes, it’s okay for me to want happiness *outside* my family.  It’s okay to want to do something that doesn’t involve them or require them.  Just because I’m a mother and wife does not mean I’m not also a human.  (Okay, that might be up for some debate, but that’s a post for another day, right?)

So there you go.

And hopefully, dinner time will be easier for all of us.  If not, I still have copious amounts of vodka in the pantry!

EDIT:  Sorry if none of this makes sense to anyone but me.  That’s just the way it goes, sometimes.