Wow, a whole lot of changes in the last day!  
I had my regular 3-month checkup with my doctor yesterday.  On the way there, I pass a beauty school; I’ve been there before, when a family friend attended several years ago.  I’ve been looking for a day to get up to see her at her salon, but she’s a bit of a drive, and almost everyone knows I strongly dislike driving on the highway, and then there’s the whole bit with the kids – they won’t enjoy accompanying me anyway.  So I drive past this school, and think to myself that it would be great to get a hair cut and color finally, after waiting nearly two years, and I wonder if they have an opening?  And, if you know me at all, you know the “thinking about it” stage ended right there, and turned into the “find their number and make an appointment” stage.  So, after my appointment, I called, showed up there ten minutes later, and by noon had cut off over a foot of hair, then had blonde chunks put in.  You can see everything on my Facebook photo album.  When I got home, I colored my hair purple.  I didn’t realize how unlike myself I feel when my hair is my natural brown color, but WHEW all I can say is, it’s good to have me back.  Also, NOBODY knew.  I showed up to pick the kids up from school, and one mom, who has known me since first grade back in 1980 said she’d never seen my hair that short in her life!  My kids LOVE the purple, and are thrilled to show it off to their friends.  Their friends look at me like I’m crazy.  What’s new?  But I feel more like I’m supposed to feel.

At the doctor’s office, I finally talked to him about my large amounts of stress and anxiety, and what that’s doing to me.  He suggested doing something for myself once in a while, and I rolled my eyes at him.  It would be great, but after so many years of not taking much care of me, I don’t know what it is I want to even do.  Classes aren’t a great option because of Craig’s wonky work schedule, and there’s the whole “I dislike driving at night” thing.  Shopping?  Bah.  I’d rather shop online; besides, that takes a little more money and it’s not like we need more crap.  Seriously.  I’m not a manicure/pedicure kind of girl for the most part…I like computers/technology and reading and chocolate and beer and photography and fire.  So.  But he also gave me a prescription for Zoloft and Xanax.  I’ve never been on anything like that ever in my life.  It’s frightening.  The Zoloft is for every day, Xanax is “as needed”.  I’ve taken my first dose of both.  The Xanax made me feel a little lightheaded and dizzy, and I slept forever!  I don’t notice much with the Zoloft, except my head is killing me.  I felt so much better after talking about it with my doctor, though.  Only Craig knows.  Well, and you, now.  I’ve gotten so frustrated with trying to talk in person with some people about what’s been going on in my head for the past several months that I’m just starting to shut down in that respect.  Craig figures that I put on such a strong outer face that people don’t realize I’m asking for help when I’m asking for help.  That doesn’t ever make me feel any better.  A cry for help is a cry for help, right?  But we’ll see how this helps me out.  Also, I’m losing weight very slowly, but losing.  My doctor said that I need to keep doing whatever it is I’m doing.  I’m doing nothing.  Seriously.  But it’s working, so don’t knock it, right?

And it has been rainy and cold for a while, so we’re not getting outside much.  No big deal, really, until the other day.  THERE ARE TOO MANY MOTHERFUCKING ANTS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE.  I came into the kitchen one morning to find the counter black and moving.  TEENY TINY SWEET ANTS.  I want you to die in a fire, ants, I really do.  They got into my sealed sugar container, for crying out loud!  They’ve never done that!  And they walked in my coffee mug!  Every time I look at them, I just want to lay down a line of fire.  I want to heat a pot of oil and just drop them in.  Oh ants, I don’t mind you outside.  But please, just stay outside!  

Also, school is almost out.  I don’t know what I’m going to do about that.  Please pray for my kids.  I’m sure they’ll need it.  =)

As always, my thoughts and opinions may be offensive. I won’t apologize, though, because they’re *mine*. It’s mother’s day, again; Craig didn’t get home from work until 6 am this morning, and then left again by 1:15 pm. The weather is cool, the kids are currently asleep, and all is quiet except for that damned cardinal out back with his incessant “peep peep peep! peep! pe-peep peep peep peep peep peep peep!”. I don’t know why he’s carrying on, there’s nobody out back right now. What a glorious mother’s day, right?

Except that I often miss the days before motherhood. That’s not to say I want to give it all up and go back – I love my children and wouldn’t trade them for anything, but sometimes, this job is just too hard for me. I miss being able to sleep until I felt like waking up, or playing video games all day with Craig. I miss staying out all night, going to the movies, having a beer with friends, or just having a social life that doesn’t include the little ones. The days where getting out of the house wasn’t a 45 minute ordeal, when making dinner meant that everyone would be happy with what came out of the kitchen. When going to the store took less than three hours, and I only had to stop for a bathroom break if *I* really needed it. I miss spontaneity. It’s hard to do when your husband works shit hours, and when you’ve got one beautiful princess who turns into a raging Battle Toad if she misses her nap! And when your sweet, intelligent grade-schooler’s super-powers are nagging, whining, and complaining until everyone around him turns into homicidal maniacs. No, sir, I do not enjoy taking them to the store with me, and anything spontaneous requires copious planning, preparation, and sometimes a shot of vodka.

This is not a job I want to give up, but it’s not a job I can quit. I can’t just say “nope, I’m off the clock, time’s up, you’re not paying me for this”, no. Required breaks? In my emotional well-being, maybe, but that’s it. This is by far the most challenging job I’ve ever taken on – I’ve worked with 20 grade-schoolers at once on a daily basis, with at least five being “high maintenance” – this job is far more difficult. The pay sucks, too. Sure, everyone says being a parent is a reward in itself, and it pays off when they’re adults. That doesn’t make the job any easier. I also know there are so many people in the world who would love to be in my shoes! Firstly, you can’t have them. Secondly, I have a little understanding of that, and really. REALLY. It’s still a hard job and more than once I have wanted to throw in the towel. What parent hasn’t? If you say “not me! NEVER me!”, are you really, truly being honest with yourself?

I don’t hate Mother’s day, and I don’t hate being a parent. I love my children more than anyone could ever imagine, and if someone tries to harm them, you’d better believe I will turn into a howling banshee and rain fire down the gaping maw of your throat after I’ve decapitated you with my bare hands. Yes, I would do that for my children. But there are also days that the threat of selling them to the gypsies sounds better than the alternatives.