May 21, 2009
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What do you suggest…
when you have a family member that just does not want to be a part of anything?
We’ve got a family member who just will not come to anything we invite him to. Okay, so he’s Craig’s brother. Brandon is old enough to ask why he doesn’t come to any parties – he didn’t come to Melena’s first birthday, and we don’t expect him to show up in a few weeks for her second or for Bran’s graduation. I understand that some people just aren’t up for those sorts of things, but my problem is that we know he frequently attends functions for the children of his “cousin”. (I use the term loosely because they’re cousins by marriage – and that marriage ended in divorce long before I arrived thirteen years ago!).
Craig asked him yesterday about his attendance, in front of their parents and grandparents. Craig was nice about it, just letting him know that I’m trying to make a food budget and get a handle on guest attendance, and he got very defensive. (the brother, that is.) He responded by saying that he never knows what he’s going to do when he wakes up, much less in three weeks, and if we want to consider that he’ll be there, fine, if not, fine…and he kept carrying on. Craig’s mom just said that that’s how he was, and his grandma assured Craig that he’d be there. I just said (as angry as I was!) that I would just not count him in the final guest count, and if he was there and I didn’t have enough for him, too bad for him. That kind of pissed him off, but fuck.
Everyone thinks that I should quit inviting him, but that means that if he decides to bitch in the future that he wasn’t included in the kids’ lives, he has a point. I think I should invite him to EVERY LITTLE THING and irritate the piss out of him. If he wants to get angry, that’s fine, but I can never be accused of trying to keep our children from him. They don’t see him often but talk about him a lot, and they do love him. It just breaks my heart for them to go through this – I went through this with my dad’s parents, and I really have no relationship with them. I don’t want that for my kids!
In other news, that job we thought Craig was going to definately get? He didn’t. Severance runs out, we found out we actually *do not* qualify for unemployment, so we’re kind of financially in the pisser right now. Urk. You know someone who needs an IT guy? www.craigclemons.com. Sex toys? www.kcpassion.com.
Also, I’ll bake cookies for you if you find a job for Craig.
AND NO, NOT THOSE KIND.
Comments (3)
keep inviting him, it’s the right thing to do. plus in the future, when the kids wanna know what happened to their uncle, you can say that you invited him, but that he made the ultimate decision on not being involved. puts the responsibility on him, and it keeps you out of the whole drama of it.
when my aunt got divorced, her husband wouldn’t participate in anything with his son. but she tried to keep him involved. so when her son got older, she could prove to him she made an effort, and that it was all on dad to be responsible for his own actions. then when he was old enough, she had her son invite dad, and if he said no, it was to her son, not to her to have to break it to him. after seeing her handle it that way, that’s the only way i would go. cause it keeps you from being the bad guy.
FYI …. Bryan and I both plan on being there, but might be leaving early cause of my sisters birthday party.
@discorara -
That’s the way I’m leaning. Craig really just wants to be done with it, because he knows it makes me angry and upset to keep inviting him and have him never show up or even show an interest. As much as the family likes me, I only married into it, and because of my mouth and my attitude, I’m always just a few steps away from being the bad guy. That’s okay with me, because my attitude typically is the result of wanting what’s best for our kids.
We understand about your sister’s shindig – heck, if our party is small, we may even end up over there before the evening’s over!
yeah, it’s the same with me and my inlaws. always the edge of black sheepdom. it’s the same with bryan’s sister. sometimes she shows, sometimes she doesn’t. more often than not, she doesn’t. we keep inviting her so that maybe we will get to see the kids, and also because she is the type of person that will make it difficult for you if you don’t invite her.