June 19, 2008

• This one is not about Heck-No Pants

  It is, however, about me, as I'm COMPLETELY CERTAIN that you're all worrying and fretting about me.  (read: Some of you could probably give three craps and HEY who are you anyway?  Right?)

  So I've been absent for a while.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's that I just didn't know how to say it.  I still don't know, to be honest.

  I've been dealing with some severe anxiety issues.  I've always been prone to panic attacks, but since late-pregnancy, it has been getting progressively worse, to the point that I won't leave the house alone very often; if I do go anywhere, it's not far from home.  I won't drive at night.  I've never been a fan of it, because it just makes me nervous, but it's just *bad* now.  I have given up booking Passion Parties for the time being because of it.  I haven't given up Passion Parties entirely, I'm just trying to keep up with my quotas through online orders. 

  However, I have finally made an appointment to talk to my OB.  I don't believe it's all post-partum, but some of it could be.  Things are sometimes difficult around the house.  Of course, I'm tired of being cooped up, I'm tired of being isolated and lonely, and, to be honest, I'm tired of JUST being a mom and wife, but because of my health, there's not a whole lot I can do about it, which, of course, perpetuates all the bad feelings. 

  A good friend came over a few days ago to pick up an Avon order, and she was telling me about this one recurring dream she has, and what it means, to which I replied "Can we please quit sharing dreams!!?!"

  So here's the "high point" of the dream:  You're searching and searching for a bathroom, but you can't find one that's clean.  This, according to my friend, means that you're not on the right path, and that you don't feel like you're being true to yourself.

  Of course, this is the biggest thing I've been dealing with over the past few years.  That's part of the reason why I've become an Avon and Passion Parties rep - to find something that helps me connect with "me" and takes me away from being wife, mother, care-taker, fixer-upper, and the like.  Of course, it hasn't worked all that well, to be honest, but it's better than being beaten with sharp pointy sticks.  I think.

  But I just wanted to say that I'm still around, and I miss not posting and commenting, because it often felt like one of the few connections I had to the outside world, but I just never knew what to say. 

  I'd leave you with a funny photo, but dammit if I haven't even gotten one of those.  If you want to see a cute photo of the baby dressed up as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, send me a message with an email address.  It's cute. 

  Gotta go, my lunch is getting cold. 

  • 2:43 pm
  • 2 Comments