October 30, 2007

  • Am I really doing the best for my son?

    As some of you know, my son's birthday is right on the cusp of kindergarten entrance dates.  Because of his current evaluations, my husband and I have opted to try to get him into Kindergarten a year early, provided he meets the requirements.  (And at this point, he currently meets the requirements, at 4 years of age.)

    I don't want to come off sounding like that one mom...you know the one:  "My son is so smart and so good and he can do this and that and he's been doing it since he was 4..."

    My son *is* smart.  He's been evaluated frequently, just so I know how to best work with him and prepare him for school.  These aren't tests I've found online, in a magazine, or in some book.  He has been taken to our school district and evaluated by real, live, professional teachers.  (See?  I feel like I'm justifying my choice!)  I am not a teacher, by any means.  I was attempting to get a teaching degree while in college, but, as luck would have it, I failed college all together.  However, everything I'd done in my life prior to becoming such a massive failure was in preparations for being a teacher, preferably elementary or special education.  So I've been around my fair share of children. 

    We've been having a problem with his new preschool.  As I mentioned before, his birthdate is right on the cusp - meaning that he is only two weeks younger, more or less, than the youngest child in his current class, because we've managed to get him put ahead a year.

    After he'd been in the class for FOUR days, they gave us a laundry list of things he couldn't do - he couldn't write, he wasn't socializing, he couldn't follow their directions...never once did they have anything positive to say.

    I have been trying to work with him for two years on his writing.  It has been an uphill battle, to say the least, and one I haven't really stuck to.  He's stubborn, I'm stubborn, and it just wasn't worth all the fights.  When he was ready, we would go for it.  Maybe I didn't try hard enough?  I don't know.  But here we are, he's been at the school now for almost two months, and the teachers are now telling us that he's *ahead* of most the other students intellectually.  The oldest children are 5, but there are other 4 year olds.  And he's on par with or ahead of them, educationally.  His writing has tremendously improved, and he practices writing all day long without even being asked. 

    There is, however, an issue with keeping his attention in class, and keeping him from being disruptive.  He also still hasn't made many friends, and when the other kids run off to play, he apparently turns into a spaz and starts running around, flailing about.  The teachers keep saying "That's normal for a 4 year old, but he's not ready for Kindergarten!"

    So here's my problem - he's not like that with us, unless he's just VERY tired or VERY hungry.  When we go somewhere to play with other kids, he plays nicely and normally; no running off like the Tasmanian devil.  I don't have a huge problem keeping his attention (unless the television's on, but that's to be expected!) and usually he's a good listener.  It's heartbreaking, because they're not seeing the son I know, and I have no idea why he's like that, except that maybe he really doesn't like it there, and acting like a crazed maniac is his way of showing it?

    He has been coming home telling us the "projects" at his big school are too hard for him, but when we remind him that he does all of his projects very well, he says "I know, but they're just hard!".  He used to say his teachers were mean to him; now he says the kids are mean to him, but he won't elaborate. 

    We are all still devastated that his "little school closed forever" - but I don't know what to do now.  I don't think leaving him where he is happens to be the best solution, but I don't know where else to take him.  This place is convenient for my parents to get him, it's convenient for Craig to drop him off some days on the way in to work, and it seemed initially like a great place for him.

    I think part of the problem is that all the other kids have known each other for all their lives, and have been going to school together since day one.  The teachers don't like the fact that I've put him up, even though he's doing well academically.  He has had a hard time bonding with the teachers, and with the students; he is a very affectionate and caring little guy, and he loves to talk.  He can't find anyone who will talk to him, so he acts like a maniac.

    I won't talk with the teachers myself anymore since the last time, as they blindsided me with all these negatives about my son and not one single nice thing about him, not even "he's got a great smile" or "he's sure a great eater!"  Craig is officially in charge of that, because I have situational Tourette's syndrome, which is usually frowned upon in a school situation, especially when that school is in the confines of a Catholic church.

    I just keep feeling like it's all my fault because I don't dote on him enough (time has to be split with him and the baby!) and that maybe I'm not working with him enough, or encouraging him enough, or...just not doing something enough.  Talking with my husband is no help at all, because he tells me things like "well, we need to sit down and talk with him...." which usually translates to "Hey, Shelly, you need to handle this because I'm clueless!".  I can't talk to my parents about it, as it makes me feel even worse, because apparently I'm not doing something right.

    My son told me the other day "When I win the lottery, I'm going to quit school".  He used to love going to school, now he wants to quit!?  And I don't know how to fix it!?  I don't know what to do, I cry every time I think about it, and every time I see his sad little face.  I chose this school, and apparently, I had no idea what I was doing.  I feel like I can't do anything right by my family, mostly because FOR CRYING OUT LOUD SOMEONE SEND ME TO HAWAII! 

    I really need to re-read my manual.

Comments (9)

  • the biggest problem with kids that are 'put ahead' is in socializing. and, let's face it, socializing in a group school setting is waaaaay different than socializing with your parents or your parents' friends etc.

    normally i won't butt in on parenting issues cus it's all just so personal. but, it sounds like you're asking so.....i think you should probably put him in the other class. wouldn't you rather he be a leader amongst peers that maybe aren't quite up to his speed? than an outsider with kids that he technically is able to keep up with but who won't give him the time of day.

  • also, it sounds like he's trying to tell you he doesn't want to be there. for whatever reason. maybe the teacher's are right and he just isn't ready. maybe there's some big mean smelly kid in there who's intimidating him. it doesn't really matter. what matters is that it's not working for him.

  • wow! don't i sound like a big mrs. know-it-all buttinsky?

  • I guess my biggest problem is this - he never had a problem in his old preschool, and he's not had a problem in any other setting but this - he's always been the oldest in his class at his old (and now closed) preschool, and he was always a leader. If what they're telling me was *normal* for him, I would be in a heartbeat be moving him, but it's not his normal behavior. He keeps asking to go back to his little school to play with his friends, but that's just not possible. What he really wants is to be with his old friends, and I completely understand that. But they're all in different places scattered around town, and when I last checked, there were no openings. *THAT* is where my problem comes in. I just don't know what to do because this is so different from how he normally acted. My gut *is* telling me to find a new place, but quality preschools that fit our needs are hard to come by. This one is a huge financial stretch for us, and the location isn't really optimal for anyone other than my parents, but ...we thought it had what he needed. Apparently, it doesn't, or he doesn't fit into the Lee's Summit cliques (because I know *I* sure don't!) or something!

  • hmmmm.........i wonder if there's something you can do to help him bond with his new classmates? or, maybe he just needs to grieve the loss of his old, beloved school and he just needs more time?

    hell girl. i don't know. i'm just trying to help but this is a hard one.

  • Ok so number one drop the idea that you've done something wrong because you will drive yourself crazy.  Number two our parents generation is sooooooooo different than we are so nothing we do is ever going to suit them take their input with six pounds of salt!

    I rarely strongly advise anyone because for the most part I think advice is always easier to give than to take.  But...I strongly advise you to go with your gut because in my experience every time I ignore my gut feelings it leads to disaster!  Bottom line:  his teachers and school suck, you aren't even comfortable enough with them to be able to go to school and talk to them.  That's crazy!!  Get him out of there as soon as you can! 

    Opinons are like assholes everyone has one so please feel free to completely ignore what I just said :) 

    I want to go visit my neighborhood in Waikiki, as soon as I win the lottery we'll take the kids and go :)

  • My vote is for finding him a new school where the teachers are decent, and not to push him ahead into kindergarten.  Yes, he may be ready in most areas, but if he's not ready in ALL areas, why traumatize him with it?  Brenna goes to school with a girl who skipped a grade, and at her age, it's pretty evident that the younger girl is...well...younger.  She tends to try to overcompensate for her age but just comes off as obnoxious.  My folks were asked if they wanted me to skip a grade and they declined the offer.  I'm grateful for that, as growing up is hard enough without adding to it the fact that you're constantly surrounded by kids older than you, you know?  I know Bran is smart enough to tackle kindergarten, but smarts is only half the battle.  Give him time to enjoy being a little kid for another year.  :)

  • This is why we are going to homeschool. The 'socialization' issue with homeschooling is plain bullshit - we're going to go to the library at least 2x a week, there's a co-op we're going to join, church and church activities, lots of free-play time at home... and those things are more intellectually and socially acceptable to me than being taught who-knows-what by their peers on the playground. I also fully believe that single-age classrooms are NOT anything like the real world - have you ever had a job where every person you worked with was your age? Other than the campus jobs I had in college, the answer to that is no.

    Now, with the problem of him being ahead academically. I grew up like that. It S U C K E D. I was so freaking bored all the time in school that I acted like a demon and disrupted everyone else. Do you have any idea how boring it is to be taught the alphabet... when you can already read? What I desperately needed was a gifted program or being put up a grade - which wasn't allowed because of my behavior, which was directly tied to boredom... see the circle here? Now my daughter is running into the same problems already with preschool.

    I could go on and on about this stuff but it all boils down to "do what you think is right."

  • I suggest diplomacy. My daughter is a senior this year and it seems there has always been administrators that shouldnt be around kids. They play favorites and if your kid isn't a favorite then school can be difficult. In some cases I set aside my fear of teachers and met with the problem teacher to ask for their advice, enlist their assistance and listen to what they have to offer (with an open mind). The teacher often will understand that I am watching and will take action and comes around to my way of thinking. These meetings leave us both coming away with some useful tools and an ally in the support of my daughter. 

    As stated above -  opinions and assholes.  we all have one.

    I am confident that you will make the right choice for your son and your family. 

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